Afraid to Blink

 

As we learn with each passing year- seconds quickly turn to hours and days become weeks making our lives seem more like a flash. Laughter heals heartache, seasons fill sorrows, all meanwhile love teaches lessons. The final month of the year causes us to pause and reflect on what our year has been and more importantly what our life has become. Who we have grown to be or who we grown not to become. The new challenges we have faced versus those we have chosen to confront.

As the rest of you all, I find myself anxiously peering at the calendar as December winds down- counting the hours until the 'clean slate'. I would be fibbing if I said I didn't like the idea of a fresh start to experience better growth, better joy, better love..."better". That is, after all, what we desire- yes? A better life, a better thrill, a better sense of pride and assurance that we are doing what we feel we are capable of achieving.

Gratefully so, this year has been one of confusion, pain, loss, and grey living. Did I seriously start that with gratefully so?! I swear I haven't lost it completely...yet. I experienced loss of my hard shell, unstoppable attitude and resilience to illness. Instead, each month brought a new level of pain both mentally and physically. I lost well over 20% in lung function due to not respecting life. No, that's not it. I lost over 20% in lung function due to wandering from my fighting attitude, desire to be better now and being tired of fighting. Heard of being sick and tired of being sick and tired? Yeah, it's real.

I suppose that above all else, I have experienced what true resilience looks like. Smiling through pain, feeling overwhelming emotions, and ultimately saying "yes" because I choose to do so. There will always be obstacles we are faced with and pain we are forced to experience. But, (and there is always a but) in the blunders lies the beauty...until we experience the sensation of pain we do not fully grasp the impeccable sensation of living.


Being fearful of blinking and allowing time to pass is like being so afraid to experience pain that we never truly live. 

BLINK ON. LIVE ON.

Making Light of a Storm

It is remarkable how one year can completely transform your life. Well, what I should say, is that it is incredible how much life can transform in one year. The year of triumph is also the year of challenges, pain, struggle, suffering, doubt, and heartache. But like a storm, when the crashing of the waves eases, there is only serenity and subtlety.

From last spring until now, my life has seemingly been a series of crashing waves. Violently splashing its water against the rocks, it often felt that I was pinned between rock and thrashing waves, hardly able to gasp for air between the moments of violence. From the death of a fellow CFer, to my getting healthy enough to train for long distance runs and then it abruptly stopped with the birth of a double lung infection, to losing all previous passions and interests, to resigning from all involvement on campus, to getting another lung infection, to catching a severe virus, to being hospitalized, to struggling to maintain relationships and friendships, to feeling isolated, to being forced to drop a class, to changing jobs so I wouldn't have to hear that my friends commenting on not seeing me for months, to finally coming to the conclusion that taking a year off from school is essential to keep any remaining sanity.

Major decisions, such as taking time off of school and not graduating with friends is just one aspect of life with CF. As I tend to express, it [CF] is an incredible blessing and curse. It has allowed me to cherish every good thing that comes my way rather than focusing on the list above. The point of writing the list is to show that beautiful, peaceful, and sunny days only come after the storm is gone.

Live for today and find the glimpses of light...for even as it storms, the sun finds a way to shine through the thick clouds.

A Growing Perspective

 

To say that life is frightening is an understatement. We are continuously faced with new dilemmas, situations and opportunities which cause us to stop and ponder our surroundings and environment in a way that changes our perspective. If you think about it, everything is perspective. How we perceive the land around us, the people we interact with, the new (and hopefully) exciting opportunities that come our way, etc. are all defined and impacted by the lens we limit ourselves to. What would happen if that lens shifted even in the slightest? How would the world as you know it shift?

Recently, I've confronted myself with such thoughts. Knowing I have the power to shift my lens at any given moment has been a powerful tool for me to drastically alter my life. Officially deciding to take a year off of formal education to become educated on a worldly basis will be incredible. Being the voice for a community which such desperately needs a voice, will be incredible. I have been blessed with opportunities which have allowed me to expand my spectrum, creating a mind that is open to the world.

How will you having an open mind change your world?